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Jun. 15th, 2010 | 01:01 pm

well, its funny, because during the two weeks of home rehab.. i never even had a craving for anything? i dont know how it was posible, but, i just felt kind of .. tired from drugs? i know this wont last, well it mostly didnt because a day after the 2weeks wer up, i was straight back on dexies. i havent been taking them everyday though, only sometimes..
im actually quite happy with the progress ive made, ive even been able to keep down breakfast and dinner, ive put on a mear 2 kg, but i do see that i look alot healthier. the bags under my eyes are gone, my skin isnt soo dry.. my hair hasnt been this smooth and lovely for a long long time. :)
ive started at the gym too, and have got a personal trainer, thats also a dietitioner or how ever you spell it, and yeh.. so im gonna be put on a plan to make me as healthy as possible :)
i dont want to get my hopes up too much, though, as ive relapsed so many times in the pass. but you know, this time it feels different. this time i feel as though i can maintain.
of course ther'll be the odd occasion of drugs on the weekend. . but not everyday. not to wake up. not to go to sleep.

i get to go out this weekend, first time in about 3weeks or so.. i hope i dont fuck anything up. :)

pce&love <3<3
xoxo


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extended from last post..

May. 21st, 2010 | 12:11 pm
mood: distressed distressed


..what i didnt mention in my las post, is that im not addicted to speed, i rarely do it on weekends.. its more the other polly-drug using thats my problem, sometimes i dont, but other times i just hit the drugs like theres no tmoro. that was the first time of taking something other than dexamphetamines in about a month, though(oh and except ketamine). pretty sure i had a black out before i did it also, so i dont even know what happend earlier that day, what i was wearing, how much i took.. who i was with, until my mum told me the morning i woke up... which is probably more worrying.

when i had my first od i was so scared, that i oathed to never have drugs again, although the next week i was having the usual bong with my mates. pretty sad, huh. but this time was different.. this time when i woke up from the coma, i felt like i had a different mind set? i felt.. as though nothing had really happend? maybe it was because i could remember the day or anything to do with the hospital. my scans showed that i didnt have brain damage from it, but i feel as thought theres something.. something not quite right.

no i do know about body dysmorphia (look in last post), but even when i first started being anorexic, i never had that. i have never ever had it. i've always seen the bones, then normal weight. then the rakey arms and legs, then normal. then slightly overweight.. then normal. except when i woke up from that coma, i didnt see me. i couldnt see myself in reality. and now when i look in the mirror, i know im skinny, but i cant see it. i hate it.

i've had these 2 major problems (drugs and ed) on and off for about 5/6 years.. which is pretty sad really as im only 16. i thought my first od would have led me to better.. but all it did was make me want drugs more. it had been 3 years, nearly to date, since my first overdose, and now that im looking back, i was 13.. i really should have had help. i fucked up, and now i can see that i have gone too far, and that, if there is a next time, then i wont make it through. so i know and want to change.

but the good thing is, is that i have a psychologist (i’ve been going to her on and off for 3 years, shes helped me so so much), i saw her yesterday. because i am really keen on no clinic rehab, (and she knows if i was in one i would hurt myself..) she suggested natural/home therapy. i start fully on monday, because this weekend i have some group meeting stuff .. i have a wide support group, so this should, apparently, work better for me than clinic rehab.


pce&love
xoxo


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lifes a little fucked.

May. 21st, 2010 | 12:00 pm

(sorry for re-posting, coz i posted this in chemicalwhores and proanorexia).

i had an o.d from speed on the 1st of may. was admited to the hospital at like 4am in the morning, i was out with my mates all night and cant remember a single thing..
i was in a coma for about 10days .. then i woke up not knowing what had hit me.
i was then held in the hospital for about 5 days because apparently my vitals wer shit and they knew i was anorexic? i swear it doesnt look obvious. because.. i dont look skinny. ? i was just hell confused.
they asked me if i ate, because they checked my weight and my bmi and apparently it is all under normal? i was supprised. i just dont undersand how i could be underweight, when i dont look it? or maybe its just me.. seeing myself differently. maybe. but yes, then they tried making me eat, and i threw up. i didnt even mean too, it wasnt self inflicted, i just couldnt keep it down.
so at that point they wer really worried.

i told them that i had addiction problems, and that that was why i was so sick and, underweight. they put a tube in my nose, i cant remember what its called, and fed me for 2days straight. i vomited a lot.
the worrying became more, and i was wondering what was wrong with me. i swear i was loosing my mind in there. having withdrawal symptoms didnt help the situation.
i was released 3days ago, because i put on a kg. they gave me all these pamflets and shit for drug rehabs and ana rehab places. ther all spread out on my bed at the moment. i dont know what to do?
i started to eat by myself again. little bits though, still enough to keep me stable.
i dont think i need rehab. i think i can do it on my own.. it'll just take a while.

and the drugs? well.. i have had overdoses in the past.. so i dont think it really scared me that much. except i have never been in a coma for one.
i want to give up .. well i dont want to because i love it so.. i just need to. or im going to killmyself , with the way i am going.

pce.love.
xoxo

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chicks on ketamine

Apr. 29th, 2010 | 02:42 pm
mood: exhausted exhausted

i did a line of ket, thats all it took, although it was a pretty fat line...

within 15-20 minutes i'd say i was at my mates place for a 'night in', yeah even though it was a school night, im sick so i wasnt going to school today anyways and didn't/couldn't really keep track of time) i was falling into a ket hole, things moved in slow motion, i looked down to see my legs moving one in front of another, thinking, hey! i'm walking. My mind watched my high heels moving one in front of another, i felt like i had litrally floated to the other side of her outside pattio, i danced in slow motion and felt like i was on the moon. I sat down on a seat (that was on the back lawn) and the seat was very long and slopped down as if i was going to fall right down and off the seat into a hole in the ground. My cigarette was moving into my mouth but i had no idea who was lifting it to me. I then suddenly thought i was on the set of that moulan rouge film...

Just some of the crazy stuff i experienced.

all my friends were on it too, sept jane because we needed a baby sitter.
was a pretty magical night.

dont feel too well today,, but i have tonsilitus anyways so wouldnt have felt great even if i didnt go out.

peace&love
xoxo

 


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(no subject)

Apr. 29th, 2010 | 02:24 pm
mood: fuckeed


I got ice in my veins blood in my eye hate in my heart love in my mind I seen nights full of pain days of the same you keep the sunshine save me the rain I search but never find hurt but never cry i work and forever try but im cursed so never mind and its worse but better times seems further and beyond the top gets higher the more that I climb the spot gets smaller and I get bigger tryna get me where I fit in no room for a n-gga but soon for a n-gga it be on mutherf-cker cause all this bullsh-t have made me strong, mutherf-cker

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(no subject)

Apr. 27th, 2010 | 01:34 pm
mood: high high

so friday night went to a gathering, with my mate steph, funniest shit. rocked up at the same house wer i lost my bag like last year (haha), didnt even know coz fuckn steph didnt tell me. mmhm. anyways my ex boyfriend was there, off his tree as per usual aha. was so funny bcoz he was saying shit like; "fingures dancin with the starts across apple and orange grass fields" n shit i was like wooooah. haha. he offered me a fat assed splif a few times but i refused - tryin to steer clear of that shit atm. .. supprisingly.
i had a whole goon bag (4L box of sweet sweet white wine) so i was right for the night haha. went to the bottle-o with matt and steph but wen me and matt went in the stupid bitch was like can i see your id, i was like sorry dont have any hey and she was like thats ok, you look too skinny to be drinking anyways. i nearly beat her to a fuckn pulp right there. who the fuck does she think she is.
went to the beldon tavern, wer matt just went in (hes 17 btw but looks old enough, bloody cutie) n i had to piss so i was walkin to th toilet, and i met a chick who i now call speed coz thats wat she was on. and she had her kid with her, but she wasnt allowed into the toilet coz they know her there and wer like nah youll shoot up so i went with her and they let us in. haha. yeh anyways scored some kootahh speed and e's from her, for fucking free bcoz i got her and her kid into the toilet hahahha. ahhhh some really nice people around ay :)
we went back to th gatherin and no one was ther so we went back upto the school and yehh thats wer everyone was haha. my ex was on the floor like passing out hahahah. and yeh. was funniest shit.
my boy dylan was there too, hadnt seen him in fuckn forever since he had a falling out with 2 of my mates and i hadnt seen them boys in forever too. but yehh i saw him, and omfg. started hooking up n shit which was weird coz we had been best mates n shit for a long time. he wanted to fuck but i couldnt coz of. uh. yeh haha.
maybe will start seeing him hey, cant get in contact with him coz his phone is broken atm, he smashed it on the wall at the gatherin hahaha. fuck he is hot. blue eyes too, yayyy :)

mum picked me up at 11:30 which was fuckn weird too. we stopped at the beach toilets and smoked. even more weird coz i aint never seen her smoke.

wen we got home everyone was in bed. so i poped one of them kootahh e's from that speed lady. i was fucking flying. felt like i had 10 globes of fuckn crack.
i went outta my window and fuck knows where else. i woke up in my mates car, at like 4am in midland. how the fuck i got there i have no idea. my mate told me he found me running on the street callin shit out in midland, but i dont know how i got there. i live about an hours drive away from midland. how the fuck did i get there. oh well. it was fun haha.
we stopped at the top of the hill because i needed to get outta the car. then me and th car dragged down the hill, and i nearly got hit by a fucking truck. didnt even see it. scared the shit outta me haha.

how is everyone?
pce&love
xoxo


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(no subject)

Apr. 9th, 2010 | 08:23 pm
mood: aggravated aggravated


welll this is my first entry here, and i thought i should share with all my past and present.
(p.s sorry about my spelling im not too good at it)

i was brought into this world in an unstable environment. the "projects" if you will. i moved from place to place when i was only a toddler, still remembering all the people i had met on the way to each new house. my parents beat me and my brothers, even though they didnt want to, they had the church breathing down their nexts telling them to 'put us in our places'.
as i progressed into early schooling, things started to change. we no longer moved houses, and they no longer hit us.
however, other things happend, i was apparently a 'kleptomaniac' (stealling things impolsivly) and i also had 'aspergs' (high functioning autisem), (how ever you spell those two disorders.) i was diagnosed with depression (very very sad little girl) also. this was when i was in 2nd grade.
when i reached the age of 10, i was (brutally) molested by my best friends dad.. and several other girls came out and admitted this happend to them also. there was a court case, but the bastard was never convicted. to this day i still blame myself for what happend.
i was then set on a spiralling downwards self destruction path, when i started to cut my self after they told us that he was never convicted.. my first atempts to being bulimic started, as did my first steps towards alcoholism.
i was 11 years old when i first tried to kill myself. i had abdominal migraine pain medication, which i overdosed on, not really leading to any harm though. i ened up cracking and telling my mum, where i sat in her lap for hours just crying. that year i also ran away from home, and ended in the city with my mate. we came home later that night though, as police found me crying, and alone, around the allyway from their station.
i started to smoke joints when i was 12 years old, and also started smoking cigarettes. i was still drinking quite a bit. then came the thing that would probably kill me before anything else. the eating disorder anorexia.
in yr8, when i was 13, i was heavily into smoking pot and started to rebel more against my parents. staying out late, coming home drunk or stoned. but those fake 'highs' werent enough. they werent enough to cover up what i was feeling inside.
so i had my first acid trip. it was wonderful.. i saw sounds and heard colours it was like magic, i kept falling in and out of this state of painic and calmness, feeling the ground move up and around me, watching the sky tumbling down.. everything else i saw, felt and tasted is pretty much indescribable.
at the end of year 8 (still 13years) i had an overdoes of heroin, when my mate thought it would be funny to put it in my weed. good job. nearly killed me.
in yr9, i started going to raves and more 'druggie' parties, where i started smoking crack. all of my 14th year i was heavily addicted to crack. i would drop pills too, i can even remember the name of the first pill i took and where i was at the time. i still was smoking pot but on occasion. i still was drinking lots. completely going off the rails, i ran away to live on the streets with my mate in midland, where we poped her mums strong painkillers all day everyday. til she became really sick about a month after being on the street. i took her to the hospital and her mum got her, but i carried on living on the street. at that time mum had just given up and told me to stay on the street, and to never come home. but eventually after about 3months on the street, i came home, begging for help.
when i turned 15, i was completely off crack, and pot, and pain meds. i occasionally popped e's at parties, and i still drank alot. i started at a new school where i was completely accepted, but then slowly fell back into the drug scene. i started to smoke pot again regularly, pop pills more often, indulge in lsd when ever i was bored and i also started taking dexies. i remember the first time i tried speed, but i didnt have it all the time. only the occasional hit on a weekend.

right now im 16, still at school and still doing most of the shit i did last year. i was fairly bulimic last year also, but im not at the moment. my doctor actually diagnosed me last year with bulimia, and now she would probably diagnose me with anorexia. but hey you dont really need a doctor to diagnose that. :|
im pretty fucked up in the head at the moment, obviously from all the drugs and lack of nutrience.

dont let this story tell you that im a bad person, because im not. im a good person with poor desicion making skills haha. no really, i never wanted to choose this. but i have obviously. unless i inherited a drug addict trait, but i highly doubt that even exists.
so give me a chance in getting to know the me right now. if that made sense hahaha.

until next time, peace&love.
xoxo


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